Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid

by on 18/10/18 at 8:02 pm

Of course, Pocahontas is from a 'blue state.'

Of course, Pocahontas is from a ‘blue state.’

The Dumfuckistan Tribe has offered Warren a Chief's position as long as she can sit cross-legged in her loin cloth during tribal council meetings.

The Dumfuckistan Tribe has offered Warren a Chief’s position as long as she can sit cross-legged in her loin cloth during tribal council meetings.

Boston, MA – (satireworld.com)

Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren of Massachusetts has refused to withdraw her candidacy for reelection for her Senate Seat after results of her DNA tests were released (and proved that she is between 1/64th and 1/1024th Native American).  The Senator, who has claimed that she was Native American and a “woman of color” since her college days, said that this is “all a scam perpetuated by Donald Trump and I have no reason to concede the election or quit my campaign.”

“Besides,” said Warren, “Hillary almost won when everyone knows that she is a liar, a bitch, and a murderer.  I’m not a murderer, so I think that all of the dumbass democrats in my state will still vote for me.  After all, they sent the brainless, alcoholic, womanizing, murderer Ted Kennedy back to the Senate every six years for about half a decade!  These fools always vote democrat, and I’m no different.  They are just to stupid to know I’ve been screwing them over and I’ll probably get 75% of the vote.”

Pocahontas, also referred to as “Sitting Bull-shit” by several, is under fire from Native American groups nationwide.  The Cherokee Nation in Oklahoma, whose ancestry she apparently claimed, has asked tribes in the northeastern United States to please scalp her for them and then bring that scalp to next spring’s Pow Wow of Nations in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Elizabeth also took the opportunity of being at the podium to announce her official candidacy for the Presidency in 2020.  “This country loves voting for lying Democrats.  We all know that Bill Clinton inhaled and really does know the definition of “is,” that Al Gore never invented shit, that Jimmy Carter probably did more than just lust after women in his heart, that Hillary murdered those people in Whitewater and covered up Benghazi and really knows what happened to those emails, that Obama covered for an illegal alien aunt and faked his credentials and Hawaiian birth certificate, and that JFK slept with Marilyn Monroe and lots of other women while married to Jackie.  That’s just the way that successful politicians are in our party.”

“My being proven a liar just proves how successful I can be.  Believe it or not, I can be the first woman of color in the White House.  Now pass me my peace pipe so I can smoke it after I eat this fried chicken and watermelon while I listen to Little Joe y la Familia on the radio.  After all, us Black-Native American-Hispanic women have to stay up with our culture!”

Meanwhile, in every reservation and tribal home from the Sioux Nation to the League of the Iroquois to the Navajo capital in Window Rock, Arizona, plans are being made to burn Warren in effigy on Saturday evening.


2 Responses to “Elizabeth Warren Refuses To Withdraw Candidacy and Announces Presidential Bid”

  1. Jalapenoman

    Oct 18th, 2018

    I believe that Liz actually meant “half a century,” not “half a decade” for Ted “Lush” Kennedy.

  2. Jalapenoman

    Dec 31st, 2018

    Massachusetts calls itself the “most educated” state in the country. The fact that they reelected this woman with over 2/3 of the vote shows that they may have paper diplomas but need toilet paper to wipe their brains!

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