National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities

by on 19/10/18 at 10:35 am

Prior to the edit and release of this story, Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz bought Bargis Tryhol a steak dinner at Mortons.  This in no way had ANY bearing on Ms. Wasserman-Schultz's not appearing on the list.

Prior to the edit and release of this story, Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz escapes!

Palm Springs, CA- (

A conference in Palm Springs, California for Fraternity Presidents of all different Greek groups representing all NCAA Universities was held last week to “plan Spring Break.”  In addition to the obligatory toga parties, wet t-shirt contests, keggers, and other politically correct activities, the college and university students also voted on the women that they found “least MILFish” (in other words, the mature women that they would least like to have sexual intercourse with).

Women were judged based on several qualities of ugliness, as rated by young men from across the country:

  • Coyote ugly (if a man who up with his arm underneath a sleeping ugly women, he’d chew off his own arm to escape without waking her).
  • American Flag Ugly (where you wrap her face in a flag and screw her for Old Glory)
  • A three bagger (the number of sacks you would have to put over her face to hide the horror)
  • A full body condom (so nothing has to touch her and to fully protect you from disease and cooties)
  • I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole (pretty obvious)
  • Someone get me a harpoon!  There’s a land whale! (also pretty obvious)

Winners by category were:


  • 1st Place Dianne Feinstein
  • 2nd Place Maxine Waters
  • 3rd Place Nancy Pelosi
  • 4th Place (tie) Justices Sotomayor, Ginsburg, and Kagan
  • 5th Place Hillary Clinton
  • Historical Honorable mention to Eleanor Roosevelt


  • Grand Prize Everyone named Kardashian or Jenner (the full body condom was invented for them)
  • 1st Place Rosie O’Donnell
  • 2nd Place Roseanne Barr/Arnold
  • 3rd Place Rosie O’Donnell (yes, she’s ugly enough to be on the list twice)
  • 4th Place Gabourey Sidibe (the 700 lb. star of Precious)
  • 5th Place Oprah Winfrey
  • Historical Honorable mention to Miss Jane and Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies


  • 1st Place Susan Boyle
  • 2nd Place Kelly Osbourne (Ozzy’s daughter)
  • 3rd Place Fantasia Barrino (former American Idol winner)
  • 4th Place Lady Gaga
  • 5th Place Taylor Swift (before her boob job)
  • Historical Honorable mention to Minnie Pearl and LuLu from HeeHaw reruns


  • 1st Place One of the Williams sisters
  • 2nd Place The other Williams sisters
  • 3rd Place The Russian Women’s Olympic Team
  • 4th Place Women weight lifters
  • 5th Place tie to tennis players Billie Jean King, Martina Navratilova, and Renee Richards
  • Historical Honorable Mention to the former Bruce Jenner

All winners will be mailed a Halloween mask of Richard Nixon along with a plaque congratulating them on their dishonor and a copy of the section of the Los Angeles phone book that lists plastic surgeons.

Note: None of the frat boys were available for comment (or really good quotes) as they were all either drunk, passed out, or banging sorority girls and trying to burn pictures of these women from their minds.



2 Responses to “National Fraternity Conference Chooses Least MILF-ish Celebrities”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Oct 19th, 2018

    The reason actress Kristen Bell is so upset about kissing sleeping Snow White is that American males wouldn’t kiss sleeping Democratic women, fearing they could be Maxine waters, Nancy Pelosit etc!

  2. Jalapenoman

    Oct 19th, 2018

    I have kissed all of my children while they slept. I have kissed both of my wives while they slept. I kissed the bodies of both of my parents and my youngest daughter when they were in their coffins. B-list actress Kristen Bell needs to find some other way to extend her fifteen minutes of fame. This is ridiculous BS grandstanding for attention.

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