Blotter: Police Make First Arrests of Christmas Holiday Season

by on 30/11/18 at 8:52 am

SatireWorld Editor Bargis Tryhol was cited for public drunkenness after a night of merry making with a stewardess from Aloha Airlines.

Anthony Weiner was cited for public drunkenness after a night of Weener Merry making with a stewardess from Aloha Airlines who says she wanted to share his Christmas Spirit.

A Santa is lead away for wishing Democratic Congressmen a 'Merry Christmas.'

A Santa is lead away for wishing Democratic Congressmen a ‘Merry Christmas.’

The Police Department (Christmas Division) have made their first arrest of the 2018 holiday season.  For public record, the arrests are listed below:

Outside Decorations:

  • Edna Lambert was arrested and charged for Nativity Scene violations for including a garden gnome, a pink flamingo, Frosty the Snowman, and a politically incorrect black jockey figure in her front yard nativity scene.  Ms. Lambert, in her defense, stated that some of these were always in her front yard anyway and she was to lazy to take them to the garage.
  • Darrell Taylor was arrested and charged for having his Christmas Lights turned on two days before Thanksgiving (he was also cited by the Electric Company for this waste of energy).
  • Mimi Flores was arrested and charged for excessive religious influence and political incorrectness towards non-Christians for putting up too many Christian references in yard signs.  Instead of the politically correct “Happy Holidays,” her yard signs included “Jesus is the Reason For the Season,” “Wise Men Still Celebrate His Birth,” “It’s Merry CHRISTmas, not Merry XMas,” “Merry Christmas, Even if that Offends You,” and “Happy Birthday Jesus.”
  • Edgar Winters was arrested and charged for public indecency in a front yard for making an anatomically correct snowman by putting an additional carrot further down the lowest snowball to represent an erect penis.  Mr. Winters is currently on probation for a 2016 charge of putting a garden hose through a snowman last year and turning on the outside faucet, simulating a snowman with a penis that was urinating.   When he was a teenager, he was caught putting breasts and nipples on snow women and served 30 days in a juvenile detention center.  These repeat offenses may cause him to be charged as a habitual criminal and sentenced to life in prison.
  • LaVell Huntington has been arrested and charged with inappropriate decorating for putting up the reindeer in Santa’s sleigh display out of order on his front yard.  He apparently had Dasher paired with Cupid and Blitzen in front of Comet.  Rudolph was not leading the team as Dancer had that position.

Christmas Tree:

  • Ralph Balton was arrested and charged with lack of Christmas tree balance for having two red ornaments close to each other on his Christmas tree.  Ralph attempted to plead that it was done because “I was trying to decorate the tree to surprise my wife and there wasn’t a woman here to correct my male lack-of-decorating and color sense abilities.”
  • In a similar case, Bryce Thorton was also arrested and charged with lack of Christmas tree balance for having three silver ornaments too close together.  While all ornaments on this themed tree were silver, these were almost touching and left some obvious bare spots,” said Christmas Tree Police Officer Sally Bargis.
  • Jeff Hutton was also charged and arrested with both lack of Christmas tree balance and avoiding ornamentation for not decorating the back side of his tree.  His defense to police was that “it’s in a corner and no one ever sees it and that’s just a waste of decorations.”
  • Dub Timmons was arrested and charged with unbalanced illumination for having one string of colored lights on the bottom half of his tree and another string of white lights on the top of this tree.  Officer Bargis stated that this should be a felony and “that just ain’t right.”

Interior Decorations:

  • Harvey Walker was arrested and charged with parental neglect for refusing to put his five year old daughter’s classroom artwork on the refrigerator because “it was just one of those trace your hand turkeys and it was kind of ugly and she didn’t stay between the lines.”
  • Rob Knight was charged with insufficient present wrapping for not using any ribbons, bows, yarn, pine cones, or candy canes (or other items) to decorated his poorly wrapped presents (all wrapped in newspaper and not colorful Christmas wrap).  As Mr. Knight has arthritis and lives on social security and has dementia, he may be let off with a warning.

Social Media Use:

  • Former United States Congressman and New York Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner was arrested and charged with sexual indecency with a minor (thirty seven offenses in ten states) for sexting pictures of his genitals (with a sprig of mistletoe above them) to underage females.
  • Julie Hopkins was charged with prostitution and solicitation for posting nude photos of herself in sexual poses (with Christmas decorations and presents around her) offering sexual favors for money as “Santa’s favorite bad girl.”
  • Ryan Chalmers has been charged with Excessive Use of Bandwidth for using all televisions and computer access in his house to watch college and professional sports all weekend long, not allowing his wife to watch any sappy Christmas romance movies on Hallmark Channel or Lifetime network.

Holiday Baking:

  • Shawn Whitmer was arrested and charged with dinner time improper diet for putting roast beef gravy on his turkey during Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Louanne Felton was arrested and charged with illegal advanced baking  for starting her holiday baking of fruit cakes before Thanksgiving day (as none of the special packages of candied fruits were even in the grocery stores yet, Ms. Felton is also being charged with hoarding fruit cake ingredients from the 2017 holiday season).
  • Selma Mason was arrested and charged with falsification of desserts and plagiarism of desserts for trying to pass off Mrs. Smith’s Dutch Apple Pies as homemade in the annual Thanksgiving Pie Bake-off in the town square.
  • Tina Montclair was arrested and charged with incomplete Thanksgiving dinner service not serving any pie (pumpkin, pecan, apple, mincemeat… nothing!) with her Thanksgiving dinner.  Guests were served frozen Hostess Ding Dongs instead.  Though it was not a crime, it should be noted that Tina’s sweet potatoes had no marshmallows melted on top.

The arrest log will be updated as more arrests are made throughout the Christmas Holiday winter celebration season.

 

 



3 Responses to “Blotter: Police Make First Arrests of Christmas Holiday Season”

  1. Jalapenoman

    Nov 30th, 2018

    When I was about 15, my mom started throwing the typical female fit that I had two ornaments of the same color too close to each other. I stopped and never decorated another tree at my mother’s house. Many years later, my ex-wife pulled that same crap on me. I told her “you decorate it” and went to the bedroom and watched tv. I don’t play those stupid decorating games and there really are no such thing as Christmas Tree Police (regardless of what women think).

  2. Bargis

    Dec 1st, 2018

    Women and holidays….One ex-girlfriend I had got real mad when I went to her Christmas office party with a sprig of mistletoe on my fly…..

Leave a Reply