Kleenex To Release Special Facial Product For Democrats: “Pity Me Tissues”

by on 13/12/18 at 7:36 pm

The idea for special nose wipes was born during the Hillary fiasco when thousands of supporters had a meltdown when she lost and used tablecloths, draperies, and other people's jackets to sop up snotty noses and wet eyes.

The idea for special nose wipes was born during the Hillary election night fiasco when thousands of supporters had a meltdown when she lost and used tablecloths, draperies, and other people’s jackets to sop up snotty noses and wet eyes.

The Trump 2020 Election Committee says they'll give away a free pop-up tissue dispenser to any Democrat who asks for one.

The Trump 2020 Election Committee says they’ll give away a special pop-up tissue dispenser in the shape of a hat to any Democrat who asks for one.

Scotch Plains, NY – (satireworld.com)

Kleenex, a division of Kimberly-Clark, has announced that they are releasing a new line of their popular facial tissues made specially for Democrats to use when crying over losing elections, seeing a robust economy, paying lower gas prices, and other events that may go against their programmed agenda.  Called “Pity Me Tissues,” the new product is expected to be available by late January (the second anniversary of Donald Trump’s inauguration).

Pity Me Tissues will only be available by prescription from a doctor.  However, the insurance copay will be zero as, according to new commercial spokesman and liberal torch bearer Hanoi Jane Fonda, “we are making sure that the 1% are going to pay for it through increased insurance premiums to all workers who actually have jobs and are not on any form of Obamacare or Medicaid.

The tissues will require a prescription because of extra drugs built into the paper (such as Kleenex with lotion, for those with sensitive noses due to colds and runny noses).  These tissues will contain a prescription strength Visine (to help control the redness of their eyes and sooth the irritation from heavy crying and wiping).  They will also contain a topical form of Prozac, to assist in reducing the depression of knowing that the majority of voters saw reality and did not support their candidates.

Fonda did warn that these tissues should not be substituted for toilet paper as they might “cause your ass to lose feeling and your vagina to dry out.”

Kimberly-Clark announced that they might also make the ingredients available in a milder form as a baby wipe as the Democratic cry babies may also need to use these down south to clean out their Huggies (another Kimberly-Clark product) diapers.  There is talk of putting the anti-depressants into adult diapers and panty liners.  The large sized box, designed for use by multiple Democrats, will be called “Pity Party Tissues.”

In a related story, Johnson and Johnson has announced that they are researching adding anti-depressants to a potential cleaning product for Democrats.  Their “No More Tears” baby shampoo would have similar results to the tissues if used as anticipated.



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