Amanda Knox Claims ‘Prison Is Boring ‘Cept On Fridays When Guards Allow OJ Simpson To Tap Dance’

by on 09/04/11 at 6:04 am

Amanda Knox spends another boring day in court, but knows Friday will be fun when OJ Simpson returns to the cell block stage with spoons taped to his prison-issue sneakers


Amanda Knox, who’s spending most of her 20s and probably her 30s in an Italian jail, says prison life is really boring. Sentenced to a prison term that will allow her freedom by the time she enters menopause, Knox claims her days are filled with washing other prisoners clothes, scrubbing toilets, and sending letters to anyone who might help win her freedom.

Knox claims that every Friday the women inmates get a chance to see a variety show put on by male inmates on stage located in the prison’s cafeteria. According to Knox and her cellmate, ex-Nazi prison camp guard Helmuth Myer, Friday nights are the best time of the week.

The usual highlight of the evening’s fare is when inmate 901455, otherwise known as O.J. Simpson, puts on a skit about how he’s still trying to chase down his dead wife Nicole’s killer, The skit usually end with Simpson tap dancing and waving a plastic knife.

Simpson says his life has turned around since being allowed to perform on stage. With only 72 years left on his sentence, Simpson hopes his new found skills as an entertainer will allow him to hit the talk show circuits once he’s released. His recent stand-up comedy routines have caused howls of laughter from both guards and inmates….Shouts of ‘Stop! He’s Killing Me,’ have caused the entire audience to crack up on more than one occasion.

Both Leno and Letterman have expressed a desire to book OJ for a show sometime in 2067, providing they’re both still alive.

8 Responses to “Amanda Knox Claims ‘Prison Is Boring ‘Cept On Fridays When Guards Allow OJ Simpson To Tap Dance’”

  1. Harry Rag

    Apr 19th, 2011

    The evidence against Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito is overwhelming. They gave completely different accounts of where they were, who they were with and what they were doing on the night of the murder. Neither Knox nor Sollecito have credible alibis despite three attempts each. All the other people who were questioned had one credible alibi that could be verified. Innocent people don’t give multiple conflicting alibis and lie repeatedly to the police.

    The DNA didn’t miraculously deposit itself in the most incriminating of places.

    An abundant amount of Raffaele Sollecito’s DNA was found on Meredith’s bra clasp. His DNA was identified by two separate DNA tests. Of the 17 loci tested in the sample, Sollecito’s profile matched 17 out of 17.

    According to Sollecito’s forensic expert, Professor Vinci, Knox’s DNA was on Meredith’s bra.

    Amanda Knox’s DNA was found on the handle of the double DNA knife and a number of independent forensic experts – Dr. Patrizia Stefanoni, Dr. Renato Biondo and Professor Francesca Torricelli – categorically stated that Meredith’s DNA was on the blade. Sollecito knew that Meredith’s DNA was on the blade which is why he twice lied about accidentally pricking her hand whilst cooking.

    There were five instances of Knox’s DNA mixed with Meredith’s blood in three different locations in the cottage.

    Knox tracked Meredith’s blood into the bathroom, the hallway, her room and Filomena’s room, where the break-in was staged. Knox’s DNA and Meredith’s blood was found mixed together in Filomena’s room, in a bare bloody footprint in the hallway and in three places in the bathroom.

    Rudy Guede’s bloody footprints led straight out of Meredith’s room and out of the house. This means that he didn’t stage the break-in in Filomena’s room or go into the blood-spattered bathroom after Meredith had been stabbed.

    The bloody footprint on the blue bathmat in the bathroom matched the precise characteristics of Sollecito’s foot, but couldn’t possibly belong to Guede. Knox’s and Sollecito’s bare bloody footprints were revealed by luminol in the hallway.

    It’s not a coincidence that the three people – Knox, Sollecito and Guede – who kept telling the police a pack of lies are all implicated by the DNA and forensic evidence.

    Amanda Knox voluntarily admitted that she was involved in Meredith’s murder in her handwritten note to the police on 6 November 2007. After she was informed that Sollecito was no longer providing her with an alibi, she stated on at least four separate occasions that she was at the cottage when Meredith was killed. At the trial, Sollecito refused to corroborate Knox’s alibi that she was at his apartment.

    Knox accused an innocent man, Diya Lumumba, of murdering Meredith despite the fact she knew he was completely innocent. She didn’t recant her false and malicious allegation against Lumumba the whole time he was in prison. She admitted that it was her fault that Lumumba was in prison in an intercepted conversation with her mother on 10 November 2007.

    The English translation of the Massei report can be downloaded from here:

  2. Jalapenoman

    Apr 20th, 2011

    You do realize that this is a humor site, don’t you Harry?

  3. Tangerine Dream

    Jun 26th, 2011

    Harry, This is Satire World. What a downer.

    • Bargis

      Jun 27th, 2011

      Try reading it standing on your head, not only will it not be a ‘downer,’ any longer you’ll probably get more inspired. Either that, or your tits will fall out.

  4. j

    Jun 26th, 2011

    There is nothing even close to humorous about murder.

    To find humor in this ‘satire’ is cold. Finding this the least bit entertaining is sick, dysfunctional, and wicked.

    • Bargis

      Jun 27th, 2011

      I bet the dude that murdered you found it not only humorous, but an act to benefit mankind.

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