by Buckwheatsbutt on 31/05/11 at 5:54 amBonkersville, Arizona – (SatireWorld.com)
Actress Selena Gomez is set to enter Our Lady of Perpetual Tears Convent after a weekend of partying with naked friends in a swanky hotel room.
Gomez was caught by popular culture writer Throckmorton P. Turdblossom as he was investigating odd noises in an adjoining hotel suite. TPT, as he’s called by friends and associates, was staying in the hotel in order to catch Ms. Gomez doing something he could write about. Turdblossom claims he caught Ms. Gomez taking nude photos of friends while completely naked herself. According to the writer, he grabbed the camera an took a few shots himself after posing with a few young blondes and letting them tussle his hair playfully.
Gomez was hastily dressed by security and hustled off to her home, where she was kept under lock and key until the family priest, Fr. Cornhole had a chance to spend some time talking with both Ms. Gomez and her family.
It was decided to put Selena’s career on hold and give her some time-out in a convent where she’ll be able to contemplate her place in society and to tighten her rather loose moral values.
When contacted by phone, Sister Mildred from Our Lady of Perpetual Tears said Ms. Gomez will feel the touch of the scourge and wear clothing made from course burlap for the first 6 months. She added that her convent name will be Sister Temperance from now on. Sister Mildred also revealed that the staff intercepted a man simply called ‘Throckie’ as he tried to check in along with Gomez. He reportedly was dressed in a nun’s habit and carried a laptop computer under his frock.
“It will be a diet of Monk’s bread and Nun’s buns for a while to cleanse out her system of un-Godlike nonsense! Yes, we will pray for her sacred vagina so that Lucifer doesn’t violate it while she is here.” Says Sister Mildred, “quot;as far as that ‘Throckie’ guy, he was taken to the barn and stripped down to his fake panties and padded brassier and told to leave by the rear gate!”
Our Lady of Perpetual Tears is located in upstate New York on an isolated island in Lake George. It is only accessible by boat or helicopter. Lights out is precisely at 7PM daily except Sunday when all postulates are expected to remain on their kness from 6AM to 8PM in the convent chapel. There are no visiting hours nor television access.
Justin Beiber is in tears and has thrown 77 temper tantrums so far, kicked a hole in his bedroom wall, broken three windows, and peed his pants twice, before convent authorities mentioned that he’d be allowed to visit on Tuesdays, but must remain perched upon the convent’s smokstack.