Port Dover, Canada To Get First Clothes Washing Machine

by on 04/01/12 at 12:38 pm

Madame Godiva ignored the instructions and the Port Dover volunteer fire department spent hours getting her tit out of the wringer. "I'm never washing clothes again without my bra on, " says Godiva as Doc Merriweather applied Moose Salve and a bandage to the bruised mammary.

Bend Dover, Ontario – (SatireWorld.com)

The small town of Port Dover, Canada will become the last one in the country to receive and actual, working machine for washing clothes. The machine, a Maytag, will be delivered and set up in the back of Moose Thurgason’s Bait Shop and Beauty Supply for everyone to come by and see.

When asked why it had taken so long for the town to get a washing machine, Mr. Thurgason said “You’ll have to ask my wife Moose, ehhh.”

In response, Mrs. Moose Thurgason replied “it was because we don’t got that much thawed water, and it sure ain’t enough to run one of these high tech gizmos most of the time. We got us one that has low water usage, so people ought to be able to get some clean clothes now and then.”

One local resident, a Mrs. Godiva, has become famous in her protest of not having a washing machine, Twice a day, she mails her panties to various places and to various people around the world. She still wears the same trapper furs that she hasn’t changed in eight years, but she puts on a brand new pair of starchy, store bought panties two times each day (and, according to recipients, generally doesn’t remove the tag).

When told that there was a washing machine in town now, her husband happily remarked that “maybe she’ll quit spending all my hard earned money on panties and postage.” Mr. Godiva milks Polar Bears for a living and sells the milk to people who believe in its properties as an aphrodesiac.

Persons interested in using the washing machine are being advised not to overload it, not to place furs inside of it, and not to use it to wash their pets or small children as “they might throw up on the rest of the clothes during the spin cycle, and then we’d just have to wash them all again.”

Also, those desiring to use the machine are requested to bring ten gallons of their own melted water and either two dollars or a pound of bait. They should also plan on bringing “soap” (if they have ever heard of it). If not, the Thurgasons have agreed to teach the locals about the purposes and use of this other new fangled product.

6 Responses to “Port Dover, Canada To Get First Clothes Washing Machine”

  1. Lady Godiva

    Jan 4th, 2012

    The bruising is beginning to fade somewhat but this was extremely embarrassing for me because, being a small town, two of my neighbours were the volunteer firefighters who ‘freed’ me. Many offered…but only two were chosen.

  2. Captain america

    Jan 4th, 2012

    ….probably use it as an aerated bait well in time for the sling thaw and
    ‘crappie’ fishing at the treatment plant…

  3. Lady Godiva

    Jan 4th, 2012

    ….are you talking about my ‘body part’ or the washing machine? Please clarify…….

  4. Captain america

    Jan 4th, 2012

    …is it under warrantee?

    ….we know about the free lube jobs…

  5. Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

    Jan 4th, 2012

    Lady Godiva,

    Please remember that it ain’t a good idea to throw them bloody, baby seals in there to wash ’em off after you club ’em to death. Since they are waterproof, a rinse with the garden hose is good enough.

  6. Lady Godiva

    Jan 4th, 2012

    Thanks for the tip Throcky….they taste real good in ‘pulled baby seal’ sandwiches’…..if NOT overcooked….and baby sealskin panties feel real good against my skin….I know! YOU are jealous now….I’ll get you an all-in-one set of baby sealskin thermal underwear made with the butt flap and mail them to you ASAP OK?

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