College of Cardinals Announces First Black Pope

by on 10/03/13 at 12:07 pm

Yo! I'll run a touchdown for Jesus!"

Yo! I’ll run a touchdown for Jesus, but we gotta get them nun-bitches dressed for action!”

Vatican City, Rome – (

The College of Cardinals in Vatican City announced the first Black Pope of the Catholic Church. There was speculation that they might break from tradition and choose a black Cardinal, but the black Cardinal that they chose surprised everyone. Larry Fitzgerald, wide receiver and all pro with the Arizona Cardinals, was chosen to be the guy to ride around in the Popemobile and wear a dress for the rest of his life.

From his home in Phoenix, Arizona, Fitgerald was shocked by the news. “You see,” said Pope Larry, “I have contract. I’m supposed to make fifteen million this year with my team. Does this gig with the Catholic Church pay me that much?”

The new Pontiff attended high school at Richfield H.S. in Minnesota, where the team mascot was the Holy Angels. This has apparently prepared him for a lifetime of service to God in the Vatican.

When asked if he would make changes to the church, Larry said “I gotta think about this. Maybe some of the younger, better looking nuns could dress like Cheerleaders for God or something, cuz I’m used to being surounded by good looking cheerleaders. That might also raise church attendance and straighten out some of them boy loving Priests.”

“We could also redo the uniforms of the Swiss Guard. I see them in the zebra costumes of the referees and all wearing whistles around their necks. They could whistle and throw a yellow flag whenever they catch someone committing a sin.”

Pope Larry also requested measurements of St. Peter’s Square and discovered that it is large enough to put in a football field. “I want to get some of those old guys in better shape, so I see us playing a lot of ball on that field. We could play shirts and skins, but I think that might embarrass them right now. We’ll probably start with robes against pants.”

Cardinal Guido Sarducci, an Italian American from New York City who attended the College of Cardinals and was in the Enclave, said that “we felt pressure to pick a Black Man as the next Pope. When we looked around, we realized that the best Cardinal was probably Larry Fitzgerald. Mark McGwire was white and had his steroids scandal and Albert Pujols was a Cardinal and is now an Anaheim Angel and was our second highest vote getter. Larry was the favorite as we’ve all watched his performances on Sports Center and think that he’s the man!”

There is no truth to the rumor that Pope Larry intends to pimp out the Popemobile and paint it purple.

In a related story, sales of Kool-Aid and Kentucky Fried Chicken are expected to increase in Rome.

One Response to “College of Cardinals Announces First Black Pope”

  1. Captain america

    Mar 10th, 2013

    …Praise the Lord…no more fish on Friday!

    Although Larry said he’ll miss ‘that there Ta-labia they raise back on the farm in Thailand where I vacation with the Lady Boy Choir…”

    In honor of the occasion he said he’ll transition from ‘wide out to tight end’ in order to play ball with the Vatican inner sanctum…

    Terry Romo announced he was converting to the Catholic Faith…
    “Finally, a Pope who understands me,” he told ESPN!

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