by captain america on 06/03/14 at 5:39 pm
Kiev, Ukraine – (satireworld.com)
Panic hoarding is now being reported in the Ukraine as KY jelly is stripped from shelves as citizens react to threatened sexual assaults initiated by Vlad the Impaler and enabled by John “Lurch” Kerry, Barry “I’m leading from your behind’ Obama, and the latest domestic battery threat, internet tycoon and semi-retired proctologist, Ben Dover, a close Obama advisor just nominated as Ambassador to the imperiled country.
Following quickly after ‘mudderings’ in Britain that Putin has been nominated for the Nobel ‘Piece’ prize by the former Ukraine Presidential ‘thief’ Viktor Yanuovych, and the arrival of ‘Lurch’ Kerry declaring: “On behalf of the President, I’m here to help,” announcing that he had indeed thrown his hat in the ring for the much discredited Norwegian Award. (see, Obama, Barack, Gore, Alfred & Carter, Jimmie)
Obama himself, despite being in the middle of helping the first lady (FLOAT-US) and Mother in Law pack to head off to China (take my wife….please!) said passionately to the Ukrainian people, “If you like your freedom, you MIGHT be able to keep it. Semi-Colon!”
Barry also added that he was making available free condoms to the Ukrainian people “just because I can, and In case I misspoke and I missed my PERIOD!”
Ben Dover, who colleagues said was the ‘butt of many fraternity jokes while Barry’s room mate at Harvard,” made a fortune when he launched his ‘virtual proctology exam” on the internet for busy hollywood moguls, politicians, hedge fund billionaires, progressive mayors, TV talking hosts, and CNN President Jeff Pucker (sic).
In a joint venture with Skype and NASA, patients were able to be examined through their computers in a link up where they exposed their arse to a virtual examination without intrusive probing using nothing more than a small suppository camera which was included with the app supplied when you signed up on Itunes.($1.99 FYI)
Ben said he was forced to come up with the ‘hands off’ approach after he came down with an acute case of ‘trigger finger’ which tended to “lock up” at inappropriate times and led to numerous lawsuits and an “internal probe” for medical malpractice due to a “disjointed approach to prostate care.”
Thanks to his new found wealth and treating liberal A-Holes, Ben was credited with ‘bundling’ over $2.3 billion for the last two erection cycles, and was on target to donate at least $1.7B for the midterms thanks to ‘a hole bunch of other A-Holes” according to Senator Cruz, (R, TX)
Ben Dover’s response to the nomination went viral when he was heard to say to Joe Biden in an aside, “You know I examined Barry once before my finger went bad, and it’s true what he says about himself, his shit really doesn’t stink!”
Said Elisiah Cummings after the IRS hearing and learning of the appointment said dramatically, “That dumb, amateur N….a is going to get us all killed!”
NFL commissioner Bob Goddell is consulting with Florida congresswoman Fredirica Wison on whether or not Cummings was using the ‘N word’ in an affectionate manner before throwing a penalty flag.
An aid to Hillary Clinton said she was indisposed after affects of her concussion have returned causing her to ‘s*** and go blind!”
Washington political observors say her distress was caused by seeing MA Governor and Obama speech writer Deval “Caddillac” Patrick traveling on AF 1 with Obama and looking ‘Presidential!”
Next: Ukrainians debate on what to do about unwanted Russian pregnancies and outbreak of hemorrhoids after Obama’s capitulation.