by E. Williams on 12/09/14 at 5:43 pm
Mosul, Iraq – (satireworld.com)
Reports are becoming widespread out of this area that thousands of ISIS militant fighters are wandering the desert, searching for meaning after finding out from President Obama, in his latest speech, that they are not indeed, Islamic.
Fighters have been abandoning their posts, deserting equipment, and wailing uncontrollably as their world appears to be unraveling around them. These cowardly men fight in the name of their religion. To have that taken away from them really makes them question their mission and purpose in life.
“I’ve been a Muslim and a student of Islam my whole life!” a soldier named Nasim told us through a translator. “Now Obama tells me I have been wrong all these years? What will I do? Where will I go? Why have my teachers lied to me all these years?!”
Some ISIS fighters have begun committing suicide after finding out the devastating news. Many others have taken up alcohol, smoking and pornography. Other soldiers took the news in stride, eagerly frying up their first skillets of scrumptious bacon in light of the revelation. Some have even stopped having sex with their farm animals, although sales of Viagoat, a male libido enhancer, has been selling like hotcakes on the black market.
“If I am not a pupil of Islam, what am I? Methodist? Lutheran? Scientologist? I do not recall Ron L. Hubbard promising heavenly virgins to his followers!” an exasperated Nasim cried out. He was last seen stumbling off asking fellow soldiers if Presbyterians were allowed to behead people, desperately seeking a new religious identity.
President Obama, widely considered a religious scholar rather than a constitutional scholar in this part of the world, has truly shaken these men to their core. He may have drastically cut potential military actions short by demoralizing his enemy with his vast intellect and oratory skills. Of course, Obama cannot take full credit for the strategic blow to ISIS – his Teleprompter told him to say it.