by E. Williams on 30/09/14 at 5:25 am
Somewhere between Earth and Hell – (satireworld.com)
A recently departed ISIS militant, who died bravely while slaughtering innocent women and children in the name of Allah, has filed a formal complaint with said god after entering another dimension and finding out he was only entitled to ONE virgin for all of eternity.
“This is outrageous!” blasted Samir Antar, still fuming, literally, after his recent arrival outside one of the outer rings surrounding the main entrance to Hell. “I grew up doing as my Master wished, with the promise of receiving 72 virgins in the next world after completing my mission on Earth. But there is only ONE woman! And she is big, ugly and sweaty! I demand my grievances be addressed immediately!”
One of Allah’s messengers floated by and calmly asked what all the commotion was about. After hearing Samir’s argument for correcting the obvious mistake, he clarified the problem for us. “This happens more than you imagine,” the Angel of Death sighed. “The problem is in the translation. In many of the old manuscripts, Allah promised his followers a ‘7 foot 2 virgin.'”
“The pesky little tick marks used to denote measurement wore off over time. Due to regional differences, nuances in dialects, and inbreeding, the translation got messed up – and this is what we get. Personally, I get offended when hearing anyone say they expected 72 of ANYTHING when they get here! What are we, Outlet Mall?”
Samir, cowering beneath his adoring but sweating profusely new giant wife, was not pleased with the explanation. “That is ridiculous! I would not have accepted such a deal if it were explained clearly to me. I demand a do-over! And why is it so hot here? I thought global warming was bad where I came from. Someone, please, for the love of Allah, turn on the air conditioner!”
Rolling his eyes, the Angel of Death clarified the misunderstanding further. “First of all, there is a reason a 7’2″ woman would be a virgin. I mean, look at her! She’s a hulking beast. She could kick Shaq’s ass! And secondly, can you imagine if we had 72 virgins here for every militant who died for our cause?! It would be a freaking zoo around here! I can barely keep up with the place right now.”
“We’re sorry for any inconveniences the small print might have caused our associates back on Earth.” The Angel stated. “We keep thinking they will figure out the mistake but, so far, no. And the heat they complain about? We thought they would be better used to it from living in the desert much of the time but, I’ll be honest with you, it IS hotter than a whore house on nickel night out here!”
With that, the demon hurried off and, the last we saw of Samir, he was being dragged away by his brutish new bride, who was slobbering something about finally getting to try out this sex stuff after such a long wait. We hope Samir is good at it. We’d hate to see her mad!