Thanksgiving Circa 2025 – Now Called….’National Day of Substantial Regret’

by on 26/11/15 at 5:50 am

Thanksgiving 2025….All food is paid for with enhanced EBT Cards. Even for illegal aliens like the Mohammed family who snuck into the country in a shipping container 11 years ago from the radioactive wastelands of Syria. With free government assistance programs for the estimated 7 million illegal aliens who now enter the US each year, the family recently moved into a new low mortgage subsidized waterfront home on Miami Beach and received a new Chevrolet Volt automobile courtesy of the Minority Alien Upward Mobility Assistance Act of 2018. The Mohammed’s eagerly applied for the government’s free brown skin toning program hoping to avoid the stigma of being ‘too white.’

Thanksgiving 2025…All food is paid for with enhanced EBT Cards. Even for illegal aliens like the Mohammed family who snuck into the country in a shipping container 11 years ago from the radioactive wastelands of Syria. With free government assistance programs for the estimated 7 million illegal aliens who enter the US each year, the family recently moved into a new low mortgage subsidized waterfront home on Miami Beach and received a new 2025 Chevrolet Volt automobile courtesy of the Minority Alien Upward Mobility Assistance Act of 2018. The Mohammed’s eagerly applied for the government’s free brown skin toning program hoping to avoid the stigma of being ‘too white’ in an all brown society.

Miami, FL – (satireworld.com)

“Winston!!!! Come into the dining room, it’s time to eat,” Julia yelled to her husband. The 800 inch TV sound system made hearing his wife’s words difficult to Winston’s ears.

“In a minute, honey, it’s a tie score,” he answered. Actually Winston wasn’t very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington. Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its “unseemly violence” and the “bad example it sets for the rest of the world,” Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn’t nearly as exciting especially after the NFL allowed full-blown trans-gendered players to perform.

Yet it wasn’t the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie Meat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce and mince-meat pie), it wasn’t anything like real turkey. And ever since the government officially changed the name of “Thanksgiving Day” to “A National Day of Substantial Regret” in 2020, to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims’ historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold. Ever since Congress passed the Patriot Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats—which were monitored and controlled by the electric company — be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable at 59 degrees throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of live-saving medical treatment via Obamacare II. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the Affordable Healthcare Act finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the new government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort. “The RHC’s resources are limited,” explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. “Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Ed couldn’t make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines — for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn’t want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.

Thankfully, Winston’s brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the TSA – mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids.

Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added “inconvenience” was an “absolute necessity” in order to stay “one step ahead of the terrorists.” Winston’s own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for “unequal scrutiny,” even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine. Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. “A living Constitution is extremely flexible,” said the Court’s eldest member, Elena Kagan. “Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example,” she added.

Winston’s thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Substantial Regret Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford. She whined for a week, but got over it.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism or any of a number of other calamities were “just around the corner,” but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility. It didn’t help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to “spur economic growth.” This time they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

The grand-twins showed up. Both Pam and Sam could make it this year after their successful transgender surgery they chose last summer just in time for before their fall semester in junior high began. Yes, it was confusing at first, but a simple ‘always-wear-your-name-tag rule’ helped when they were visiting.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Substantial Regret. At least he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life “fair for everyone” realized their full potential. Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn’t happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.

His ears burned when he thought of how the mandated white re-education seminars revealed how much he and his family benefited from ‘white privilege’ all those years. He remembered when his next door neighbor Charlie told him how he was so sorry for being white that he volunteered for the Government’s Negro Experience Program where his flesh would be tinted a dark mocha brown. He smiled and shook his head at the thought of Charlie now and wondered how he liked being dark brown forever. At times, Winston secretly wondered if it was really all that bad way back then. Really, people smiled more and there was something called ‘hope for the future’ that a lot of his family always talked about.

Winston fought back the feelings he had about his latest employee who was an illegal alien who qualified for the Alien Job Placement Act of 2023 where illegal aliens were required to work, and employers like Winston were forced to hire them even if it meant firing a qualified US citizen from the job. Now, the Mohammed family lived in a better home on the inter-coastal waterway and drove a newer car than he had.

He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2008 or so, when all this real nonsense stuff began. “Maybe we wouldn’t be where we are today if we’d just said ‘enough is enough’ when we had the chance,” he thought.

Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.



2 Responses to “Thanksgiving Circa 2025 – Now Called….’National Day of Substantial Regret’”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Nov 28th, 2015

    Good story NMC.

    Winston yelled to Julia that Hillary their Beagle puppy had just done her business on the orange carpet. Winston shouted back “don’t let the children step in the Obama!”

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