North Korea Threatens to Wipe Out Manhattan, Kansas

by on 16/03/16 at 6:05 am

In a recent photo North Korean bad-boy Kim Jong Un pays a surprise visit to the People's anal lube factory in Pong Dong

In a recent photo North Korean bad-boy Kim Jong Un pays a surprise visit to the People’s anal lube factory in Pong Dong


No one really knows why North Korea’s Kim Jong-un does the things he does, but the latest bluster coming from the dictator, and international spokesman for Supercuts, has security experts scratching their heads. For some reason, North Korea has it in for Manhattan, Kansas.

In a statement over the weekend, the communist country claimed to have a hydrogen bomb big enough that, if launched on a ballistic missile, and detonated over Manhattan, would kill all residents immediately and “burn the city down to ashes.”

Did Dennis Rodman say derogatory things about Manhattan, Kansas to Kim during one of his visits to North Korea? The White House is baffled as to why the the Midwestern town has a target on its back for the chubby dictator.

“Has Manhattan, Kansas done something to piss off Kim? We don’t know,” a Pentagon spokesman wondered. “Maybe since Smith County, Kansas, not too far away from Manhattan, is the geographical center of the contiguous states, he figures hitting Manhattan would be close enough to satisfy his threat of ‘hitting the heartland of America’ and bringing the country to its knees?”

“Manhattan is just west of Kansas City too. Maybe he just hates the Royals? We simply don’t know at this point, but we’re monitoring the situation very carefully.”

Residents of Manhattan are confused by the out-of-nowhere threat to their city as well. Earnest Thompson, a farmer from just outside of Manhattan, said, “He says he’d burn us to ashes. Well, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, but we’re already pretty much dust here to begin with. I’m not sure what he would hope to gain from doing that to us.”

Manhattan, Kansas Mayor Karen McCulloh has taken the city to Defcon 2, a serious threat level, and has warned residents to be vigilant.

One Response to “North Korea Threatens to Wipe Out Manhattan, Kansas”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Mar 16th, 2016

    Ironically Kim probably doesn’t like Manhattan Clam Chowder (red), but there are no local clams in Manhattan Kansas!

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