Assisted Suicide Theory As Top Russian Banker Found Shot Dead

by on 15/09/17 at 8:16 am

'I know nothing! Nothing at all'

‘I know nothing! Nothing at all’

Moscow – []
In a case spookily reminiscent of the tragic – and slightly unexplained – 1993 RIP of Clinton White House deputy counsel Vince Foster a senior banker at Moscow’s state-owned GazPogromBank was found ‘suicided’ this morning, with two silver bullets lodged inside his head.

National broadcaster The Daily Putin said Sergay Dimitry Krupnik II, 69, had been in charge of the bank’s money laundering division for the past 10 years negotiating top dollar contracts with Mexican cocaine cartels, Taleban smack barons, white supremacist Bitcoin hoarders and a ragbag of ‘snake-charmer US Southern Baptist churchgoers’, according to reports.

“The motive is unclear,” the show anchor informed a bewildered audience, “maybe like Foster he was a bit depressed?”

Krupnik’s death comes hot on the heels of fellow Russian banker Ivan Swindelovich the Turd who the SatireWorld website reported in July this year had ‘fatally plummeted from his office balcony’ after telling his secretary he was worried that the ongoing Moscow hosepipe ban had dried out his hanging basket of petunias.

He too was 69.

According to the Statistics Ministry this morning’s Moscow financial district death is the bank’s ‘only’ 3,459th fatality since GazPogromBank was privatised in 2012 in a move netting a cool $25BN state profit.

The whereabouts of this windfall remain obscure.

However, most Russians remain utterly nonpissed [non-plussed?? – ‘Ed’] – about the situation according to reports nominating the benchmark for Dodgy Banker Suicides as the classic June 1982 Blackfriars Bridge, City of London demise of a ‘depressed’ God’s Banker, Roberto Calvi, also 69.

The Russian/Sicilian money laundering maestro apparently ‘decided to top himself’ following the $750 million Vatican Bank collapse which P2 Lodge fellow gang members had successfully robbed of burgeoning deposits.

Its St Peter’s Square, Vatican City former HQ situated in the heart of Rome’s red light district eventually became GazPogromBank’s European Union outreach orifice.

An inquest is expected to begin tomorrow.

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