Restaurant Chain Bans Guns in Stores, May Get Free Publicity From Future Mass Shooting

by on 21/05/14 at 12:46 pm

"OK...One more time. A burrito....Large...........Extra cheese...Some of that hot shit...Got it now punk? "

“OK…One more time. A burrito….Right, Xtra-Large………..Extra cheese…Some of that hot shit…Got it now punk?

Dallas – (

The Chipotley Restaurant chain, known for their oversized burritos, has announced a nationwide ban on guns in their stores with the exception of those in the possession of law enforcement personnel.

Bowing to pressure from a gun-control group and a Twitter campaign, the chain is announcing to the world that each of their stores is now a gun-free zone, also known as a ‘Sitting Duck Zone.’

Bart Dumass, PR Director for the company, said, “We have seen sales stagnate recently, so by telegraphing to all criminals out there that there won’t be any armed citizens in our restaurants, it’s just a matter of time before some nut job walks into one of our stores and shoots up the place before turning the gun on himself and ending up on the nightly news.”

“What do they say? There’s not such a thing as bad publicity? Isn’t that how it goes?” Dumass continued, “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about, am I right?!”

When asked whether he felt bad about any possible future loss of life occurring in any of his stores, Dumass remarked that any and all victims, and their next of kin, would receive coupons good for 3 years for burritos or burrito bowls. He also stated that it was gratifying to know that if anybody died during a shooting spree they would at least die well fed.

The chain also announced a new promotion where criminals can bring a friend and eat for half-price on weekends.

3 Responses to “Restaurant Chain Bans Guns in Stores, May Get Free Publicity From Future Mass Shooting”

  1. Bargis

    May 21st, 2014

    “This is a .44 magnum. The most powerful gun in the world and it will blow your head completely off…..Now you’re wondering. Was that 5 shots or 6 shots? Do you feel lucky today? Do you punk?”

  2. E. Williams

    May 21st, 2014

    I wish I had thought at the time to include in the story that Dumass recommended that, if a shooter came into a store, the patron’s best defense would be to all start farting and hope the fumes incapacitated the criminal.

  3. Philbert of Macadamia

    May 22nd, 2014

    The liberal mentality continues to believe that criminals will follow the same rules as law abiding citizens, e.g. gun control laws, gun free zones etc!

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