by E. Williams on 21/05/14 at 12:46 pm
Dallas – (satireworld.com)
The Chipotley Restaurant chain, known for their oversized burritos, has announced a nationwide ban on guns in their stores with the exception of those in the possession of law enforcement personnel.
Bowing to pressure from a gun-control group and a Twitter campaign, the chain is announcing to the world that each of their stores is now a gun-free zone, also known as a ‘Sitting Duck Zone.’
Bart Dumass, PR Director for the company, said, “We have seen sales stagnate recently, so by telegraphing to all criminals out there that there won’t be any armed citizens in our restaurants, it’s just a matter of time before some nut job walks into one of our stores and shoots up the place before turning the gun on himself and ending up on the nightly news.”
“What do they say? There’s not such a thing as bad publicity? Isn’t that how it goes?” Dumass continued, “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about, am I right?!”
When asked whether he felt bad about any possible future loss of life occurring in any of his stores, Dumass remarked that any and all victims, and their next of kin, would receive coupons good for 3 years for burritos or burrito bowls. He also stated that it was gratifying to know that if anybody died during a shooting spree they would at least die well fed.
The chain also announced a new promotion where criminals can bring a friend and eat for half-price on weekends.