by Jalapenoman on 21/05/14 at 9:00 am
MSNBC Studios, NY – (satireworld.com)
Melvin Mitsoe was asked to clean out his desk today at MSNBC. His boss then did the embarrassing job of looking through the cardboard box to make sure that Melvin wasn’t taking home anything that didn’t belong to him. The young reporter, who graduated with honors from the University of Delaware with a degree in Journalism, was then escorted to his car in the parking lot by network security guards. After they removed his parking sticker from his vehicle, a Chevy Cobalt, he was asked to leave the premises. As he was terminated “for cause,” Mr. Mitsoe will be unable to collect unemployment.
His crime? His indiscretion? His act worthy of being told “you’re fired” (in a Donald Trump imitation)? Melvin wrote a news story that did not have a political slant and it accidentally aired without going through editorial review.
Last Friday, MSNBC reported a story (written by Mitsoe) saying that traffic going into Dallas on I-20 was backed up for one hour by an automobile accident. In the story, it was stated that a man driving a mid-size car entered an on-ramp at a high rate of speed, lost control, and sideswiped an economy car driven by a woman, spinning and flipping her. The man then swerved into other lanes and hit a guardrail after taking out three other vehicles.
The story then said that the male and female were both released from the hospital with minor injuries.
In a statement released by MSNBC, network spokesman Nathan Watson said that “Mr. Mitsoe never stated the make or manufacturer of any of the vehicles involved. This did not allow us to blame the accident on any part that had been recalled, on the cars not being eco-friendly, on the cars being foreign, or on any of the vehicles being gas-guzzling SUVs or manufactured by non-union companies.”
“He never reported whether or not there were any children in any of the vehicles (physically or mentally handicapped being worth more brownie points). This didn’t allow us to seek sympathy for the injured toddlers of kids on their way to soccer practice. There is nothing that draws in viewers like a shot of a mangled infant car seat in a totalled vehicle!”
“He also never reported the age, religion, or race of either the man or the woman, not allowing us to spin this into a story of prejudice or of the angry, racist, Republican, Christian, pro-gun, anti-abortion, white man intentionally ramming his car into a working class black woman.”
“Melvin also never stated in his story whether or not any of the cars had political bumper stickers, not allowing the story to help the viewers know how they were supposed to feel about either of the drivers.”
“Additionally, we never learned if the man or woman were on their way to a union job, a “save the whales” rally, school, to commit a terrorist act, to eat dinner at an non-kosher restaurant, to continue work on a sex change operation, to attend a meeting wanting stricter gun control laws, or to purchase a birthday present for a same-sex partner.”
“What part of Dallas was this in? Was it near a ghetto? Was it in an upper class neighborhood? Was it near the ballparks where the Dallas Cowboys or Texas Rangers play? How far was it from Dealey Plaza? (We could always bring in a JFK angle on that one).”
“It was also not reported what the minor injuries actually were. Did one of them lose a limb? Will either be unable to perform sexually (temporarily or permanently)? Were they treated at Parkland Hospital (the JFK angle again)? Was blood smeared all over the highway? Because, if it was, there were not any gruesome pictures televised!”
“Without these important tidbits of information, which may seem inconsequential, it is just a simple story about a car wreck slowing down traffic. How can we help President Obama push through his agenda and take back the House of Representatives and maintain control of the Senate without this needed data? How can we keep our viewers informed if they don’t know which person to hate?”
“Without these needed morsels, our network aired thirty seconds worth of news that wasn’t newsworthy by the standards of today’s journalism. We did not do our job, and it is all his fault.”
“Who did Melvin Mitsoe think he was trying to be? Walter Cronkite?”